lottalita

I went online to find out the exact definition of “honesty” :
a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

In the last few years, I have become more honest with myself and the people around me. I don’t really try to sugar coat things anymore just to make them easier to swallow, and thought this may sound like a “good” thing. Being honest is hard to do.
People do not want to hear the HONEST truth; they want to hear what will make them feel better, or good about themselves. After a small discussion with a person who did not “appreciate” my honesty, I found myself thinking about it; how do we want people to be honest with us?

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. As I already mentioned, over the last few years, I have become a lot harsher with my honesty, and in return I like people’s true honesty back, BUT in small doses.
I don’ think many people including myself are good at dealing with the BARE truth, or as people call it “constructive criticism”. No one likes to hear all their faults and what this specific person feels you should “tweek” in order to better yourself, but thought I hate the feeling of being put down, I love the results I get from an “honest bashing”.

My whole life, my friends and family have NEVER called me Fat, it was always “you’re a big girl, there is more of you to love, you’re beautiful no matter what, you’re cute, you have a great personality” and other varieties of that. This in return has given me GREAT confidence, and a loved childhood, BUT… gave me huge thighs and belly, with a side of bingo wings.

In my mid twenties, I guess when I was at my largest (I was almost 100kg (220 pounds)), my father started to be honest with me. At the time it was a lot to take in, but I always knew he never meant to be hurtful, he said what needed to be said:

I was big, I was fat, and I was unhealthy. there was no two ways about it.

Please… don’t misunderstand… it’s not like he sat me on a chair in the middle of the room and was just yelling at me… no, no it was mentioned gradually over the period of a year…. till one day… I finally admitted to myself and started to be honest.

“I am fat, I need to lose weight, and this is NOT how I want to look”

My previous blog, I can tell from lack of feedback was not as popular as the rest, but that is because that one finally said what I feel was honest. We are big, and we are the ONLY ones to blame.

For so long, I blamed society “I eat because I feel out casted”, I blamed marketing “All day I see food adverts, I just have to try it” , I blamed hormones “ I am sad, so I will eat because it makes me feel better”… the list of excuses are endless… The real reason why I ate so much was simple… I LIKE FOOD and I LOVE to eat!
These are my demons, that I will have to fight forever to control, but I am no upset about, I still eat, I don’t believe in diets. I just had to re-educate myself on how to eat. (But that is a story I will tell another time)

My boyfriend is like me. Brutally honest and thought A LOT of you will get mad at this. I respect the fact he says I am overweight and that I should keep pushing to lose more weight. It may hurt a litle sometimes, but at least he is not sugar coating the truth, or flat out lying and saying “you’re not fat, you’re perfect just as you are”.
His honesty is my motivation. I know he loves me regardless, so it’s not as I am in a verbally abusive relationship. He is always telling me how beautiful I am, and loves to take pictures of me.

Thanks to his honest, he does not let me lie to myself and this in return keeps me eating healthy, staying active, and because of this, I see my clothes getting looser, and my weight dropping, which keeps me positive that I will inevitably, no matter how long it takes, reach my goal.

This is only my opinion. Honesty for me, is my motivation, I have no tolerance at all for lying, so maybe this is why. I would not wish anyone to feel belittled by honesty, everyone has their own motivation. This just happens to be mine.
Good luck everyone… you are all beautiful and that is the HONEST truth

you know… i read an article a few months ago, about how companies are being fined in china or japan for having overweight staff… so the company started to offer their staff, better and healthier meals, free diet coaching, even workout in office hours… to keep their weight healthy.

Now… at first i thought this was AWFUL… but, then i thought about it… we suffer because of the society around us… we are lazy because everything is so easy to do, ready made cake, meals, deliver service, cleaners (for lucky ones) cars are cheaper, more selections and so on. So really it’s no hard to fall into the trap of over indulging, and you have to admit… those colourful packets of food make them taste better.

Though I blame environmental factors and society, I also can not remove all blame from myself. I am the one that brings my hand to my mouth. So therefore, really what i am missing is self control and will power.
It took me a really long time to learn how to NOT finish that bag of chips, or stop buying chocolate, processed foods, and basically anything tasty but all this happened in baby step (3 years worth of baby steps)
I found that if i baked my own cookies ad cakes… i ate less of them, because i saw how much butter and sugar i used, i started to copy ready made meals at home, and found then to taste better.

Anyway.. to cut this short… though people see *fatness* as being taboo, really if everyone saw it as a OK thing to be, then where would we draw the line to healthy and unhealthy.
NO one is happy in their skin, even the top models have hang ups… so don’t focus on being “thin” focus on being healthy. You can be overweight.. bu if you can run up 4 flight of stairs and be less out of breath then you “thin” friend… then i think everyone who has an issue with fatness can (excuse my French) SHOVE IT

please check out my pictures.. i am about to upload a before and after my babysteps

So this may be slightly extreme… but i am finding that i am getting disgusted every time i eat. I was silly and one day decided to go read a pro ana sight and “thinsperation” blogs…. they got to me.. i won’t lie.

I feel huge today, i hate how i look without clothes on. I know i lost weight… but when will it start to show on my stomach, my thighs… it’s like i am getting smaller… but my body is still as floppy and distorted.
I dunno… i think today is just a bad day… but i feel horrible.

I think back to those blogs, now every time i eat i think about what they said, about how ugly it is to eat, how ugly a person looks like when they eat. I pinch the fat on my body and it makes me be sick.

I don’t want to develop a eating disorder

But i think i am… and it scares me!

So here I am, at the gym, and loosing motivation (thank god for smart phones or else I would not be able to get online)
Anyway, so as we all know weight loss can’t really happen without some exercise, so, I bring my bum to the gym to sweat it off.
My problem is that I have knee problems, shoulder problems and back problems ( will discuss this more when I am not on an elliptical typing on my little blackberry)
So I start my workout, as I usually do on the cross trainer, weight loss program, I do 10 min then I feel that ever so familiar pain in my knee… I try to breath through it, but it just keeps getting worst!
I know that if I push it and do my normal workout I will over strain it and will be bed ridden for 3 days… So I have to begrudgingly step off and try other machines.
Bike… Nope, treadmill, nope… Finally had to get on my gym enemy. The elliptical, I hate this machine, I have to do twice as much so feel like I am doing any work, and as I can’t strain my knee it’s on the lowest setting.

I know I should not complain, I know many readers have worst health issues that really do make it dangerous to workout, but I needed to vent.
I am angry at my injuries, I try and try to workout, be healthy but… Just feel I got the fat gods against me!!
I will not give up… But I want to workout without pain!!!
Thanks for reading all!!! Your words keep me going xx
Now back to working out!

Hello all.

It’s been a while since I logged into buddyslim, but my fight with weight loss has never really been put on hold.
I have lost weight. so I guess I should be tapping myself on the back for that. But… I am still fat or at least feel that way.
But let me explain to you a little why today I feel like this.. and the struggle I have had in the last 2 years.

2 years ago in june, I broke up with my ex, at that time I weighed 211 pounds, 98kg (size 16 to 18 US) I think that was by far my heaviest. (I had spent about 6 months in Finland prior to the break up, and there I was depressed so I ate for comfort)
After the break up, I felt rotten, it was not the most hurtful of ones, but break ups are never a fun thing to do, so as always, I turned to food to seek comfort. Noticing that I was just getting bigger and bigger, I started to think and worry about my weight and looks.
I am not an ugly girl, I have big brown eyes and a nice face. Unfortunately I have huge thighs and generally a BIG girl (I have always been told “your not fat lotta, you’re just a big girl”)
I can’t really tell you what started the weight loss back then, I think it was the combination of stopping the pill and trying to eat healthy, but what ever it was it worked for a few months at least.

Now lets fast forward a year and a half, by then my confidence was much higher, I felt better about myself and had gone down a jeans size, but I was getting lonely, and casual interest that men gave me was not really enough. I wanted to find someone who would love me, or wanted something a little more then casual.

At the time I had just recently met a guy, he was the cousin of a crush. At first he would hardly notice me, but I was persistent and kept calling him to invite him to social gatherings and outings, soon we became good friends.
Over time I had a developed small crush on him, but seeing that I had only had casual interest form men, I figured there was no reason to get my hopes up, that and I was by far not the type of girl he would go for (he likes them petite).
Come august, having been hanging out for about a month and he invited me to come to the beach with him for a week, you can imagine it was one of those phone calls where you start to jump up and down trying not to scream with delight!

Now… this man (let’s call him ducky) is a self professed shallow man, he likes his girls to be beautiful, well kept and tiny.
Over the holiday we had our ups and downs, one moment I was sure he was interested, the next I felt all alone. One night, after a flirtatious talk, a little action happened.
The next day we went back to acting like normal. It was inevitable we were going to have a talk.

I think this was the moment I decided to try hard to loose weight. We were sitting in the pool together, flirting and discussing the events of the night before, after a long discussion I remember him saying. “you are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, and it’s a shame you don’t make more effort to loose weight, because it’s the ONLY thing you need to change to be gorgeous”
I, like most large girls, enjoyed the compliment, but felt the sting of my “stigma” in his comment. I hid it behind my smile.

On the return home I decided I wanted to bring out this “beautiful girl” and show the world that I could do it and I also wanted to make this man mine.
Now 8 months later, I am in the best shape I have ever been. I weight 186 pounds 84 kilos I can fit in size 12 jeans (first time ever) My whole eating habit, exercise routine and style have changed completely. I look like a new and better woman.

Now, normally this is the part that I congratulate myself for all the hard work, the months of diets and pain I went through at the gym. But I can’t, I still feel fat. I worked hard for months, and I feel just as fat and ugly as I did before I started all of it.

So here is why I came back to slimbuddy:

Today I was having a really bad day, one where everything you do just feels wrong and you fall further and further into a bad mood. So I though (a bad habit I still have) I will treat myself to a small chocolate bar, just to try to cheer myself up.
So I am at the kiosk (a small shop on the side of the road) chocolate bar in hand, and the vendor starts small talk. I don’t know how the conversation turn to this, but he calls me fat, I tired to turn it into a joke and left fast, forgetting my change. I was shocked that a stranger would say this to me! I just went home and cried.

Now, everyday, I fight to stay motivate, to continue my weight loss and workout, telling myself.. you look great, you lost so much, you’re a different woman keep it up but comments like that form anyone bring me down. They kind of kick me into reality, and make the battle so much harder to fight.

I feel like I want to give up, because I think to myself, why do I try so hard, when all the effort I have done, I am still fat! People still only see the fat girl!

I don’t want to give up… so I came to share with women (and men) who understand my struggle, and know the effort it takes, and help motivate and support as I hope you will motivate and support me!
After all you can’t fight a war alone!

Today is a bad day, but I have to try to remind myself… tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for listening.. and good luck everyone x

so….

half way through the beginning week, started going to the gym on sunday, and went yesterday as well…. feeling better…

Tonight i am going to a yoga class with a freind, we will see how that goes…

so i weight my self on sunday, and i have to say i was a little shocked….. 97 kilo, or 213.4 pounds… i think it’s the water weight from the pill i am on. But none the less, it did not depresse me… just made me get onto that cross trainer and hope that next sunday i will be lighter.

I can already feel my self slowly tonning up, or maybe it’s just my optimism getting the better of me… but i would rather be optimist then pessimist.

Anyway…. my body does ache, but it’s normal…. slowly i will get this done… i have 3 weeks before my boyfreind comes… so i shoudl be a little smaller by then!

Keep up the good work everyone!!

Okay i have been awful, i know… and for a long time i was kiding my self about not having put on what i lost… that was a lie…. so here we go a second time around….

SUNDAY… is my first day back on a healthy eating plan and back to the gym for 3 times a week.

See there are 2 reasons why i want to start again. and i have my own motivation now.

1. I just started on this new pill called cilest, and it’s making me look huge… and i hate the way people look at me… it’s like WOW, charlotte you got bigger.

2. My boyfreind is coming in about one month and it will be swimsuit time, and i want to look good for him.

Now i know i shoudl be doing this ” for my own health” but these are my reasons for doing it. Yes i care about what people think, as much as i pretend i don’t!

SOOOOOOO here we go again. Hope you will all be there to support me…. I need alot of it… i don’t know how this is going to go.

Good luck to you all x

well this blog is going to be short!!

so that McD, i ate it, i did not enjoy it, and then i got food poisoning, i was up all night, runnin back and forth to the loo, and now, i can’t eat anything, because it gives me really bad cramps!!!

Go figure, this is karma!!!!

Well, i guess serves me right for cheating!!!

take care all!!

so tomorrow is my next weigh in with the evil nutritionist!!

I wonder what will happen?? I have not been very good with my diet this week, no lets reanalyse this, I have NOT dieted this week! haha, sunday and monday went well, tuesday i had sushi for a birthday party, so i ate ALOT (i love raw fish, strange??) then the next day i was exauhsted, don’t know why, so the next day my mum took care of me!

NOW, here is the bad bad part!

Thursday i was invited for an Iftar ( a breakfast at night, it’s for ramadan, whole other story) and there you have a nice lavish meal. i had meats and rice all sorts of goodies. then i had a sweet cake called bass boossa, it’s like a syrup drenched cake, (very good, but very bad) hahah  then we had to eat again at 4 am, before the sun rises so i had a fallafel (bean burger) and foul (mushed beans) sandwich, again a no no! (thes foods are very Egyptians, so you might not recognise them)

friday was just the worst day, i was so tired and i could not be bothered to do anything, so i orderd pizza, with lots and lots of cheese! bad bad, my stomach has been suffering since. But oh it gets better! this is only a minor bump in the road!

The next day, was a little better, i started of well, i had breakfast then mid afternoon,my mom made pancakes and i hade 1 or 2 the rest of the evening went well, i made a small strifry with rice and shrimp, so last night was better!

Today sunday, i was really good till the evening. then i wanted burger so i ordered the worst thing ever! McDonals! AAAAAAAAAh and it was not that good anyway. But it cured my craving!!

So okay i have been bad real bad! But i did go to the gym sunday, tuesday, thursday and today for 2-3 hours at a time! so…. that cancels the bad stuff out! right???? (i hope so )

anyway, tomorrow i am goin to have to come clean. but to be honest, he did not really motivate me to do well. I left that place last time so so so depressed, i am suprised i am actully feeling gulity!!

Anyway, i weighed my self today after my workout in my bikini and i was alot lighter, but knowing my luck i will be heavier tomorrow.

so… tomorrow we face the mean metalic box and face the music!!

Either way, my legs age lookin thinner! woohoo! but my mom is worried that i am pushing my self to hard at the gym, today  i cam home exauhsted!!

anyway… let you know tomorrow how it goes!

hope you are well!!! take care x x x

Sorry for the lack of blogging the last few days. I had a little depressive period, but i am better now, but i will talk about it, because it makes me feel better.So, i was really really pleased with my weight loss, and was using it as my motivation to push my self forward. So when i wad my weight in with my nutritionist i was feeling good! Well until i reach the scale!

Sure enough there it was on the scale, my weight loss, (only for some reason this one showed 1/2 kilo more??) but still 1% body fat gone!

So with small mumbles of congrats from my nutritionist, hardly worth talking about it, the s**t hits the fan (well in my motivation)

When i joined the diet, he said that IF i loose 2-3 kilo they will have to increase my food, there was NO mention that I HAD to loose 3 kilo!

So here he is saying, “how many times did you go to the gym since i saw you” I said 1-2 time, but I was busy, and my body hurt so much i could not sit. “well you know, we said you should come 3 times a week, I NEED you to come 3 times a week” so I said well I try, but I do have a LIFE!! ” you only lost 1 1/2, and you know most people loose 2-3 kilo ” (like crap, i was holding my tongue at this point)

Anyway after 30 min of readjusting my diet, and all that, i left, not in the happiest of most motivated mood to do my work out!

Granted on this day, my motivation was low low low, so my work out was depressing, and in return of all this, my day was not much better. When you are already a little upset, anything that goes wrong is a like a personal attack on you!

Anyway, when i got home, i had something to eat and went straight to bed! The evening i went out with freinds and well they cheered me up and i feel alot better!

Over the past few day, i have been going to the gym and getting a lot of support from freinds! also i have heard that the nutritionist is not the most humane person. So i don’t feel so bad any more!

BUT NOW, next time i talk to him, and he puts me down, i WILL give him my piece of mind (i am paying for this after all)! I mean honestly, why is it that these people forget how to motivate people. IF I HAD MOTIVATION I WOULD NOT BE FAT!

So i am not going to be like the many other large people who get intimidated and coward in front of trainers and stuff, and now i will explain to them, how it is to have this (stigma) and how saying that my weight loss is not enough will depress me and unmotivated me!!! and so on!

haha sorry i had to vent a little!!

BUT I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!!!

I WANT TO LOOK GOOD FOR MY HOLIDAY IN GERMANY!!

anyway…

hope you are all having a good day!

Keep it up!!